From the May 2022 “Understanding Purification” Class

Arlene DeFeo, Christina Marie Goldsmith, Michelle Hojnacki, Isadora Karcher, Judy Lekisch, Pieter van Prooijen, Rebecca Sellers, Jane Marie Sobel

 

If You Don’t Stop That
by 
Hafiz

I used to live in 
A cramped house with confusion
And pain.

But then I met the Friend
And started getting drunk
And singing all
Night.

Confusion and Pain
Started acting nasty,
Making threats,
With talk like this,

“If you don’t stop ‘that’
All that fun – 

We’re 
Leaving.”

By the end of class, I had fallen into a state of Grace. It lasted all night, and this morning it remains. Spontaneous deep breathing, thoughts lessened, and a feeling of peace that I have not felt in some time. Our group has a synergy that is remarkable.

I want to address further what we touched on about death and vulnerability, for I found that my own experience was a devastation that felt immense. Yet, this devastation was a powerful portal to Love. I looked at my beliefs, and what I found was that this happening was no different than any other offering for healing that Life’s Will has given me.

I once read that the death of a loved one is one of Life’s greatest hoaxes, in that, despite cultural conditioning, it has no more meaning than anything else. I was deeply offended when I read that. Yet, in time, I came to understand the truth of this statement. 

Years later, I discovered a teaching that stated that within the world culture there are many things that we are conditioned to suffer over, and that this conditioning is why we suffer. Are we not taught to suffer if our spouse leaves us for someone else, instead of celebrating that they have found a further way to love? In that vein, why are we not taught to celebrate a body’s departure, even a loved one, because that soul has been liberated from a life that knows, inevitably, pain and challenge? All suffering is brought on by enculturation, the ubiquitous, adopted set of beliefs that run counter to Love.

These raw and beautiful insights into the conditioning of “loss,” this collective grasping, motivates me to turn away from the world, for it’s true that our culture conditions all with a lens of suffering and loss. “Life is pain, and then you die,” was the framework I remember from childhood. I always resisted that message, yet now I see how it has worked it’s way under my skin. We are taught that there are some things in life that should and will kill us, and I sense a cultural expectation that we be discontented. It’s like an obligation, “how dare you be happy when ‘this’ is happening?” 

Oh I dare, I dare! I’m taking off the poop-colored glasses and no longer buying into the collective discontent. I want the Joy and Peace of God. It is a given. 

It has sunk in waaaaay deeper how unnecessary words and thoughts are. I once read that, in the beginning of humanity, there were no words, and that everything was communicated telepathically. But words evolved into our being, even though words are an aberration of our true nature. 

I have thought a lot about the experience you shared of the peaceful time you had when you were without words, but you still had the ability to operate normally within the confines of your body. This seems to me to be a satori experience, and you were so blessed. You brought up how, once we label something, we don’t see it fully any more, and you reminded me of the Adyashanti quote that, once a child is taught the word associated with a bird, they never truly see the bird again. Wow.

As I listened to you open up about emotions, I was deeply touched, for I recognized myself in these stories. I have learned so much from what I have experienced already. Learning to slow down and be patient has created a shift in my thinking, and enabled more light and happiness to flow in. 

This discussion is one of those learnings that I hope will get sticky and then stick. Often, I have to accept that concepts don’t always adhere the way I would like when I come upon them, but they do go into the soup, and they mix in exactly the way they are meant to. Thank God for that!

I am so happy to be in the soup pot with you. When we let go of the barriers and limitations, the heart opens. 

I have felt a transformation that was so swift and subtle that it shook me to my core. I stepped out of something — and into something new — without fully “experiencing” a major occurrence or known point of transition. Events have fueled me in a new way, versus dragging me down. I let go of “yesterdays” and perceptions of me, and just showed up for the moment. 

It’s been an incredible feeling to become aware of the separation of belief and what is true. I have learned to be present for others in their painful points, and not to take it on or feel responsible for their choices. I recognize anxieties, face them, and allow them to move through me. It feels like healing and thriving at the same time, which I had not understood was possible.

This purification process feels like a gift. This may be complicated terrain, but we are blessed to have teachers and resources to help us navigate the way. My healing journey has hinged upon getting more acquainted with the innate wisdom of the body, with pain and trauma that can collapse in terrible confusion, and in hiding for safety.

All of my life I’ve felt driven to show my worth, including “intelligence.” In reckoning with trauma, one of the first messages I received was, “It’s okay that you’re not very smart.” I remember standing with my hands on my three-year-old hips, thinking, “You don’t know what you’re talking about!” 

I’ve been in the crucible of self-acceptance, where logic and “intelligence” are most prized. With the tangible love of our mighty companions, I’m seeing how reclaiming and bringing full force to this innate intelligence is a cornerstone of this self-acceptance, this healing journey that I am on. I commit to being happy…Unless. Yes, some events do seem harder to swallow than others.

I experience these words as very powerful, and deeply true. “Falling into Grace,” the words “Grace” and “It is Given,” which I begin more and more to understand as ” Living in the Given.” I feel this to be the natural state intended by the Source of Love that loves us madly. In accepting Perfection, I have not to be perfect, for It is Given.

This class is bathed in Grace, and I feel that — in every moment we spend sharing together, knowing together, loving together. Each is a light that illuminates brightly the Truth that radiates lovingly within our group, and beyond. I am moved profoundly by this experience, the totality of it, the transcendence of it.  We are — each of us — blessed by the presence of the others, and ‘others’ seems an alien word to use, because I feel the presence of Oneness, the consciousness of the Divine, moving through our group in a way that enlivens each of us, sparking recognition of the Divine within. Each brings a unique perspective, opening the window of the soul, radiating vulnerability and truth, embracing all in the Love of the Heart.

This purification work is opening up so much in me, and I am recognizing walls that I haven’t seen in this way before. Although guilt is a source of pain, even in the face of a fear that is very primal, I ask, 

“What if vulnerability really is my superpower?” 

Vulnerability is my super power! As “I” get out of the way, pure Love emerges. It is a given. 

I am immersed in the idea that Love is a given. This seems to pop all of the bars off of the heart, as love spreads wide open, rejoicing,

Here I am. Right now. Love. 

This love is patient and kind. It guides the weary traveler along the way. 

Thank you. Ah, thank you!

I know that God is doing his work in me. This leaves me in an amazement that is astounding, for, I ask myself:

“What can I possibly lose, if I am already everything?”

The God Who Only Knows Four Words
by 
Hafiz

Every
Child
Has known God,

Not the God of names,
Not the God of don’ts,
Not the God who ever does
Anything weird,

But the God who knows only four words
And keeps repeating them, saying:
“Come dance with Me.”

Come
Dance.

This writing is dedicated to my Grandma Verna Mae Kaiulani Ho Nahulu (pictured below) who recently passed away April 19, 2022.

Death can bring a flood of emotions, happy memories, confusion and devastation. It can stop us in our tracks and remind us of what is important in life. It can show us a new perspective of time and how few years we may have left here and with each other.  The end of life as we know it, the beginning of something new or a continuation of being, however we see it is the ultimate mystery.

I am happy my family got to be with Verna in her last days and moments. I watched over her and tried to capture her face in my memory, knowing I wouldn’t see her again. It is difficult for the mind to grasp that a person is there one moment and gone the next. I think of my brothers, my Dad and my Mom and I wonder how many years I have left with them. I see the sadness in my Dad’s face. Every moment feels more fleeting.

I have recently had many struggles with family and finances; unsure of how to take care of my Mom whose health has declined rapidly over the last couple of years. My brother and I are slowly rearranging our lives to assist her. A huge financial bill came out of nowhere at the same time. I had spiraled into hopelessness and was desperate for solutions.  I was unable to use my spiritual resources for coming back to peace of mind. I couldn’t sit still long enough for meditation or reading or relaxing. I know many people have had increasing challenges over the last few years and can relate.

It was then in April that my Dad notified me that Grandma had fallen again and that this time it was probably the end. We spent her last days with her at Julia Temple (where she was treated in hospice.) Several days after she passed, I returned to work, full of new thoughts and feelings. I thought about what was really important day to day; which was ultimately being grateful for each day I had with my family and friends. Suddenly, sorting out how to take care of Mom wasn’t as much of a burden and all the financial hardships weren’t as devastating. It would all be fine. A small change of perspective could transform unneeded stress into gratitude, after all, things will get done either way and stress only makes things more difficult. I do get to spend more time with my Mom and my brother and I am grateful that I still have everything I want and need when I find myself with more financial responsibilities.

 I look through pictures of Grandma from when she was very young until her last years and she always had a smile on her face. She lived her life to the fullest. She created art, she loved nature and she had an eccentric energy about her that people couldn’t resist. I see her spirit in my Dad and my brothers and myself.

I would like to spend less time worried about money, or how I am going to survive or if my family will be okay. Overwhelming stress can overload the mind where we are unable to grasp for the spiritual tools we know have been helpful before. In these moments, sometimes it may be helpful just to stop and trust in the moment. My Grandma had lived a long and full life and she had many of her own struggles to endure. She made it through each one of them to leave this world happy and loved. All of her good moments were fleeting and all of her bad moments were fleeting too. Life comes and goes quickly. We can easily forget about the important things in life. Each of us has a timeless joy in us when we are truly present and trusting. In this moment, we are part of the mystery of life, in our fleeting experience.