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Reflections from the Retreat House
From the retreat about “Releasing the ‘I Am Bad’ Belief”

The very first day of our retreat we went around the room sharing whatever we felt comfortable to share about how the ‘I am bad belief’ affected us. I was shocked to hear how we all felt fundamentally flawed. I could see the discomfort on everyone’s face as they shared, and how convinced we all are that somehow we are guilty for the many situations we find ourselves in. Some of the stories about health issues matched my experience almost verbatim. It was very helpful for me to see that I was not alone in my belief in guilt about my health. Other stories were different than mine but they all had the same underlying ‘I am bad belief’. There are no words to describe how eye opening this group sharing was for me. I had to be there and see for myself; no audios could have replaced the clarity that came up for me at that moment. It helped me realize at a much deeper level how we all have been carrying for years the same burden, ‘I am scum of the earth’ or some other damaging attribute.  On that very first day, I received more Aha moments than I had hoped to receive throughout the entire retreat. I felt this was a turning point in my life, and this was only day one.

The Two Evaluations:
Ego Evaluation:Another deep eye opener was when Regina asked us to interview the ego as the observer and ask ‘what it thought about each one of us’. I had never heard of that exercise before so I was a little skeptical that anything helpful could come out of it for me. Boy was I wrong! When I asked the question as the observer ‘what do you think about Francine, there was no hesitation…the ego blasted ‘Francine is boring.’ It became crystal clear to me that this perception had been running below the surface and affecting my life in many ways. When I shared the ego’s perception of me with the group, Regina’s and Jacquelyn’s expressions was worth a thousand words… They totally did not view me as boring. I replied, ‘how can you not see that I’m the most boring person on the planet?  The others in the group also did not share my perception of myself but since I have known Jacquelyn and Regina for a few years, there response to how I perceived myself was VERY impactful. Although I had been aware of this perception in my head, it felt like a new discovery. Again, this was huge for me. How could I have been so wrong about my perception of myself! I was beginning to gain more clarity on how believing ego thoughts is a complete lie and extremely damaging.

Holy Spirit’s Evaluation:Then we contemplated Holy Spirit’s assessment of me:  “You shine radiant with bliss, with peace, with sweetness and purity” by Yoga Vasistha. What a contrast between the ego’s and the Holy Spirit’s perception! How loving, how beautiful, how freeing it would be to know in my heart that Holy Spirit’s perception of me is the truth! I could feel the truth of it but I have a lot of work to do to cement it. This is a big one for me to work on, but it is also very exciting. So much resistance has falling away – at least for now.

Root Cause Inquiry:We had another exercise of journaling about our most disruptive ‘I am bad belief’.  The root cause revealed that ‘I am scum of the earth’, which is the root cause of many of my beliefs so that was not new. As I had experienced many times before, I felt stuck, and helpless to let it go so I asked Regina what to do. She told me to pray about it– Holy Spirit, how can I let go of this belief that I am ‘scum of the earth’? I’m willing to hear anything that you’ll share with me.’ It sounds so simple. Why didn’t I think of this myself? The ego hides our most helpful tools from us. I had a very healing contemplation of the ‘I am bad’ belief, and I feel more equipped to use prayer as a means to release my beliefs when I feel stuck.

Is Attack Possible?We talked about ‘Is attack possible’? The answer is No, attack is not possible. It’s all about what I am believing – never about truth. So when I am upset for any reason, ask ‘what am I believing about myself’? What I am believing is never the truth about myself so why be afraid to go there?Regina said to trust I am healing, trust the Holy Spirit is right and I am wrong about my feelings. Trust that I have never been bad. A belief says “I am right’, it’s a fact; trust it is wrong. At some point you’ll see you made this up. Trusting you’re wrong will carry you through it even if it’s not 100% trust.  Jacquelyn had a wonderful, very clear homily on this topic at the 8-18-19 gathering: “Believing is Seeing”. This trust and clarity I had during the retreat made root cause inquiry enjoyable because I knew I was letting go of being trapped.

There are countless gems we received during the retreat. I went home feeling so light, like a big weight had been lifted. That feeling of being light weight has dimmed but one thing is for sure, I remember the sharing, and the ‘Aha moments, and I continue to feel optimistic that I can let go of the ‘I am bad belief’.  We were reminded of so many tools: Rest, Accept and Trust and self-coaching when the mind goes crazy, and journaling when the ego hides our beliefs. Regina shared examples from her journal, as well as handouts about many teachings she received from Spirit.

If it weren’t for the shared retreat with my Awakening-Together friends, I would not have received the experience and clarity about how flawed my thinking is. It was absolutely necessary for me to attend this retreat, and I am so grateful I did. Now I really have something to work with. The tools are more obvious and there is less resistance. Yippee!

I’m also grateful for our great cook, Shiryl Kaplan who is always so welcoming. She has a genuine interest in each one of us and goes out of her way to be helpful.

Thank you Regina and everyone for making this retreat such a success for me.

Love to All,
Francine

Reflections from the Retreat House
by Isadora Karcher

When I received the notice that there was to be a retreat around the subject of releasing the sense of guilt, unworthiness, or the idea that “I am bad”, I was struck immediately that I HAD to go to this. And thank goodness I listened to this guidance because it was the most profound, helpful workshop I have ever attended, and believe me, I have attended a few over the years! I brought home a ton of notes, a definite deepening of teachings already somewhat in place, and at least one “aha” that cemented into my consciousness some very important news!

I think there were at least two factors at play as to why this workshop rang my chimes the way that it did. For one thing, Regina teaches and articulates from a clearness and “no bs” stance that is so refreshing. Not only does she have a huge library of information stored in her brain and heart, but she presents information with examples, humor, love, and the benefit of having “been there, done that”. I loved the down-to-earth feeling of the retreat…just no pretentiousness, no bs, and lots of friendship.

Also, I was so ready, so very ready, to be well on my way with being done with guilt! (How does that saying go, something about when a student is ready a teacher will appear?) I had gone through what my mentor called a “light infusion” last fall, and I enjoyed several months of being free of guilt, and then it started creeping back in, aaaaaargh! So perhaps you can understand why I jumped on this retreat!

Let me try to summarize the important things I brought home from La Veta.

The biggest “aha” was so simple, but isn’t that the way they usually go? The group was covering the ways we felt guilty, and one of the participants said that she felt like she was boring at a group dinner because she had not spoken much. And the answer from Regina was so simple, but impacted me very deeply; “If God had wanted you to speak God would have put words put in your mouth” . Wow. I mean, I have had such a hard time getting that God and I are one, and what I am doing and saying is what the Creator is doing and saying. Boy, does this fly in the face of what I have been taught, growing up in a country that is largely Christian, and believing that God is good and that I am bad. Wow. Also, learning that love is behind the motivation of ego was huge as well. For a long time I have sought for ways to NOT make ego into the bad guy, and bingo, this was the answer!

I think the other big takeaways are the technique of “neutral narrative” and learning where the ” I am bad” belief comes from. The neutral narrative is where one simply recounts the triggering event from neutral wording, no feelings or evaluations, just a statement of what happened. I got to use this technique even before I left the retreat house around a miscommunication, and it works like a charm! Also, it is so helpful to learn how we build the “I am bad belief.” We do this by:

1. Judging ourselves and others
2. Defending ourselves
3. Judging/attacking others
4. Lying to self/others
5. Wanting the situation to be different than it is
6. Justifying yourself
7. Believing the concrete “proof” that I am bad

Oh goodness, I could go on for forever. I have transcribed my notes, if anyone would like a copy of them I would be delighted to send them to you, just shoot me an email at [email protected] and I will get right with you! But I HIGHLY recommend attending this workshop the next time it is offered, it is the bomb. And let’s not forget one detail, the food is to die for, Shiryl is an amazing cook!

Note: Isadora attend the “Releasing the ‘I Am Bad’ Belief” Retreat at the Awakening Together Retreat House in August 2019. Since attending the retreat, she has decided to move to La Veta. We look forward to embracing Isadora as one of our new La Veta neighbors when she arrives in October.

Everything we learn here at Awakening Together, and elsewhere in the spiritual writings and teachings we come across, there is an emphasis on the Oneness of everything. And it is this Oneness that we seek as we have come to recognize our sense in separation from each other and what we think of as our Creator or God. What we may not realize during this looking within for the Oneness that eludes us is that we create a bubble existence about us and look out at the non-seekers as them and us. Even those who seem to be on a common path with us we judge because we see their methods, their practices, as weak and unauthentic. And then there are the ones we see as wrong and possibly evil. Let me explain.

At my current level of understanding I find myself returning to A Course in Miracles as my primary guide to awakening. Even though I have not publicly participated in the Gentle Healing Groups this go around, I have been following on a daily basis the Gentle Healing Year 1. I have been somewhat stunned at how different these early lessons appear to me given that I first studied them in 2003, and peripherally since then. But to go at them as a daily exercise I find them as though I had barley read them before. Some of the lessons I have stayed with for numerous days even as the group moved on because I saw in them a great resistance to what they were saying to me and what they were telling me to do. And we all know what resistance means. It is time to take a look at what is going on and why the resistance. We are now at a teaching and learning moment on our way to awakening.

Lesson 121 gob smacked me because the person who came to mind that I hated the most and the person I admired a lot could not possibly be reconciled as One and the same. The lesson suggest that we envision a picture of this person we hate the most and imagine a spark or ray of light coming from his or her picture. All I could see was this smirk or arrogance coming at me from the picture in my mind and there was no way I would ever see a spark of light coming out of that picture. Below I will share with you my contemplation of why this was such a prevalent position that I held.

__________

Impossible! Yet if I allow that he too is something other than what he appears to be, just like me, and that I have within the Holy Spirit as my guide, then he too is the same. So, if I accept this as true, what is holding me back from seeing some light or a little spark shining through his picture?

Am I truly afraid of the light? Something is not clicking. This is not working for me.

He is a person – just like me

He can awaken – just like me.

He can hate – just like me.

He can be afraid – just like me.

I hate him because I am afraid of him and his actions. If I allow myself to see the light in him, I am tacitly agreeing with him and his ways. I am afraid I will become like him. I am pure and he is tainted, and I have to protect myself from him.

I am right and he is wrong.

He is doing the best he can and the only way he knows how.

He is acting and making decisions from fear.

I don’t want to give him any room to improve in my eyes.

I want to keep him evil.

He must stay evil and wrong.

I need him to stay evil.

If he makes a turn for the better, it is bad for me.

I will lose something he if he loses is evil.

His evil is my perception of him.

Perceptions are made up and accepted as real.

If I begin to see the light in him that means I am letting go my perception of him. If I let go my perception of him, I am giving something up, I am losing some part of me. And giving up my perception of him is giving him something he does not deserve.

All he does is take and I am not going to give him anything.

I feel to give him something I am losing something.

If I give him something, I will be losing my hate for him, and if my hate for him goes away I become exposed and vulnerable.

If I let go my hate for him I will be in grave danger.

I need to hate him!

I must hate him!

I must be angry at him!

He is a dangerous man.

He is a threat to my existence.

I am in deep fear.

Who is this I that is in deep fear?

Who is this I that hates?

__________

This is where I ended my contemplation. Even though I had minor hits of recognition I still had not come to an understanding of why I had to maintain my opinion of him. And then this morning as I listened to the recording of Regina’s discussion regarding Dr. Jeffery Martin’s interview the full realization of my standing hit me. The discussion between the group and Regina led to the subject of fundamentalism and how religions come to a grinding halt as they plateau. They create doctrines and rituals and begin to isolate themselves from others by believing ‘their way’ is the only way. It is not long after that they find themselves in conflict to defend and protect themselves from the heathen at their door.

As I was walking my dog later on it hit me that I was doing the same thing. This person I hate is doing nothing more than what I am in that he is attempting to find Oneness, as is every religion, political party, government, country, race, and even the scout program that appears to be a wholesome endeavor. All are attempting to return to Oneness by presenting their beliefs to the world and hoping to gather in enough people to create a global critical mass that becomes One.

My endeavor was obviously flawed as I maintained the separation all the while believing that Oneness was what I wanted. When I saw this I suddenly saw that he was doing the same and my feelings toward him made a monumental shift within and I no longer saw him in the same way. I saw the spark I refused to see and recognized his methods that I disagreed with and appeared as wrong, destructive and evil, were nothing but calls for Love and Oneness.

My bubble (balloon) popped and I felt a great weight lift from my shoulders. I give full recognition to the Holy Spirit within helping me see this, for this is what I asked of Him yesterday as I knew I could not see this from the perspective of my ego.

Hal Seeley is an Awakening Together minister and will become Awakening Together’s new Chairman of the Board on July 21, 2019.

In a recent Guest Satsang interview, Dr. Jeffrey Martin mentioned that those who experience fundamental wellbeing at location 4 or above do not feel the emotion of love. This concerned some members of Awakening Together. Some members said all they want is love and they aren’t interested in enlightenment if love is absent from enlightenment.

This begs the question, “What is love?” and “Do the enlightened know love or leave it behind?”

This past Wednesday, Regina and Jacquelyn explored these questions in the Sanctuary. If these questions are interesting to you, we recommend listening to the following audios. Each audio is 1 hour in length.

The Tao & Enlightened Leadership ~ Lesson 20: What is Love?

As It Is ~ Undoing the Ties That Bind

You may also be interested in watching a demonstration of enlightened love in this unofficial Beatles video, The Fool on the Hill:

After hearing that Shawna lost her home in the recent wildfire that destroyed most of Paradise, California, Regina wrote to Shawna asking about her experience. This is Shawna’s answer to that question.

~ ~ ~

Thank you for your interest in how I’m experiencing the fire. First I want to set up the situation because I was so blessed and taken care of by Grace. I was in Sebastopol, CA (Sonoma county) 3 hours away from Paradise when the fire started Nov. 8. I was pet sitting.  So I didn’t experience the evacuation. I fall to my knees in gratitude when I think of it.

I first heard about the fire when I turned on the phone at 9:00am. I usually wait until after meditation and homework for Gentle healing to turn on the phone. I immediately got an alert to evacuate.  After determining the alert wasn’t local, I noticed texts from friends in Paradise, telling me to get out now. I felt great fear for my friends.  I looked up a few websites and grew very concerned.  I stopped, took  a few deep breaths and turned towards the Peace that is ever Present. This shift allowed me to flow from this place of Peace  even as I cried, felt worry and helplessness arise. A friend called and we cried.  I returned to Peace. I went to a friend’s house to go for a walk and I cried, but returned to Peace.  I held everyone in the Light and saw them as Perfect. I couldn’t see the fire as perfect.

As I recieved more texts and calls from concerned friends, I handled each one as it arose in the moment with Presence and concern for them. It was interesting to watch how each person had their own interpretation, their own reaction and expectations.  I also noted a discomfort in me around accepting the offers of help. I’m usually the one giving. I actually don’t need much, so I gratefully declined most offers. In fact, because I had a lot of my stuff with me, including most of my personal files, I didn’t think about my stuff in the house until much later. My concern was about the safety of  people, animals and my beloved forest! My heart hurt thinking of the suffering that was and continues now.

I noticed my ego loved the drama and attention.  I watched the news for several days, then quit. I don’t have TV, radio or internet and the cell service is poor here, so I’m pretty insulated from the news now. I noticed the incredible level of fear from my friends here, in Sonoma county. They went thru a very destructive fire a year ago. The smoke from Paradise really freaked people out here. The air quality is still very dangerous here! People here are also very empathetic because of their experiences last year. So much love and offers of whatever I needed.  it was/is touching and overwhelming.  I cried a few times just from the generosity shown!

I moved into Joy at just being alive! I felt a deep, devotional gratitude in my Heart. I felt I needed to tone down the joy because of the suffering of so many people. Our whole little community was gone! I was told stories of great bravery to help others evacuate from folks I knew. I appreciate the strength we can show when extreme situations call for it. I noticed again my ego getting caught up in all the stories.  It was overwhelming.  But I returned  my focus, over & over to our practice of AWA, the reading, tips, contemplation and journaling.  I meditated most days.  I let resistance keep me from meditation more than was best for me.

There is an incredible amount of crap to do to rebuild ones life. But It helped to remember how you handle being so busy: stay focused on Awareness and do what’s in front of you to the best of your ability. I still have moments of great sadness.  I allow myself to fully experience them. I also have times of incredible Joy at how Life is unfolding.  There are any great miracles happening.  This experience has increased my desire to Awaken!  NTI Revelation, your Clarity  and Inner Guidance  has increased the desire for Awakening!

With love, Shawna

~ ~ ~

Shawna is an Awakening Together member who is in Gentle Healing. She completed MPP, and chose not to be ordained. She shares in the Sanctuary on Tuesday evenings at 9:30pm ET.

I found some excellent lyrics in a song.
This song was released in 1973
and has had lots of radio play over the decades
and therefore I have heard it many times.
However, I never paid any attention to the lyrics.
These are the lyrics that I love:
“I am just a simple man.”
If someone is one pointed towards attaining Freedom,
they will indeed be simple.
They will not allow their mind to become more and more complicated
and lost in thoughts, ideas, beliefs and concepts
that have nothing to do with the goal of attaining Freedom.
“Oh it ain’t easy”
That is very true.
That is why so few humans attain this Freedom.
It is good to know “It ain’t easy” from the beginning
so that the obstacles the ego creates are not a surprise
and so that one understands that one must be dedicated
and persevere even when it is not easy.
“Freedom is the only thing means a damn to me”
That lyric sums up the point people need to reach
before Freedom is possible.
That is the point of all this huge emphasis I have placed on
awakening the extremely intense desire for Freedom.
The point is to reach the state where Freedom
is the only thing important to you.
“Oh you can’t fake it”
It is obvious to anyone who is aware
if someone’s priority is really Freedom.
They can try to fake it,
but how they spend their time each day
will reveal the truth of the matter.
“I am just a simple man, trying to be free”
This is great that he is trying.
That is the point of the book
The Importance of Practice and Effort
by the Seven Sages.
You have to try.
“Freedom is the only song, sings a song for me”
That is another way of stating
“Freedom is the only thing means a damn to me”
However,
“Freedom is the only song, sings a song for me”
is a much more beautiful way of stating it.
Wow! Wonderful lyrics!

These are the lyrics to Simple Man by Bad Company:

I am just a simple man, working on the land
Oh it ain’t easy
I am just a simple man, working with my hands
Oh believe me
Freedom is the only thing means a damn to me
Oh you can’t fake it
Freedom is the only song, sings a song for me
Oh we’re gonna make it
I am just a simple man, trying to be me
Oh it ain’t easy
I am just a simple man, trying to be free
Oh believe me
Freedom is the only thing means a damn to me
Oh you can’t fake it
Freedom is the only song, sings a song for me
Oh we’re gonna make it
I am just a simple man, working on the land
Oh it ain’t easy
I’m just a simple man, working with my hands
Oh baby, believe me
I’m just a simple man, yeah yeah
Freedom is the only thing means a damn to me
I’m just a simple man, yeah

Take care,
with Love,
Michael

Preface from Rev. Regina Dawn Akers:

Last year, Awakening Together minister, Rev. Hank Hamilton, wrote to me saying that he needed to take a sabbatical from Awakening Together. It’s been a year since I’ve heard from Hank, until recently. He sent me a email with the following letter a few weeks ago. I am sharing it with you with Hank’s permission. I think this letter is inspirational, and it shows what we can accomplish when we decide to practice the teachings for ourselves.

Rev. Hank’s Letter:

Well, it is approaching the end of the year. I said I would be gone for a year or maybe two; it looks like two will be required, maybe more. There is not much to relate. I have given myself over to this “path” I am on; can’t go back, can’t give it up.

I have been led to question everything that I think I know, asking myself if this (anything at all) is True, and how would I know if it was true, what was I basing it on? The idea was that if I could find something that I knew to be true with absolute, 100% certainty, then I could begin to accept other “Truths” using that same criteria; namely that it too, had to be a Truth that was absolutely, 100% true.

Well, I found that one thing, that one absolute Truth; this is probably no surprise to you. The only thing that I could be absolutely certain of was my own consciousness, my own awareness, my awareness of my awareness. This I knew to be so. I mean, it is right there, always. It is the thing that is alive, it lives, it is eternal. I am that I am. Son I am with thee always, I will never leave thee nor forsake thee. Right, how could I leave myself?

Everything external has just fallen away, it is all fuzzy, I cannot be certain of any of it. I am only certain of this one thing. I did not know, I do not know what this awareness, this consciousness is; but I do know that it is. I know that it is, and further I know that this is who I am, what I am. This is the Truth of me.

So I now know who I am, what I am. I am this consciousness, this awareness. But I don’t know what this conscious awareness is. I am just beginning to suspect that this conscious awareness is my doorway to realizing God, Truth, Christ, what ever you want to call it.

So it will be awhile yet. And it is lonesome: it’s a lonesome valley that I have to walk by myself. It is foolishness to try to talk about this with others. Not only is it foolishness, it is not advisable to do so. Nobody else can possibly understand; not unless they have had a similar experience. When I have tried to discuss this, I only end up feeling confused and doubtful. This that I am learning must be very very solid in me before I speak of it to others. I can tell you because I think you can understand.

I made the mistake in Awakening Together of trying to “teach” before I had really learned what it was that I was trying to teach. And so I could not do it. And that is where I remain today. I am not ready to teach. I may never be ready to teach. But my path is clear before me – I want to know God, in truth. And I know where God is to be found, right here inside me, at the center of my being. I don’t have to run around trying to find God, He is with me always, He is myself, truly I see that God goes with me wherever I go; He is myself, this consciousness, this awareness that I am.

No, I am not ready to return to the Awakening Together community. I am not a minister in any sense of the word. I couldn’t do, perform any of the duties of an AT minister, at least any that I can think of. But, I worked pretty hard to get that certificate and I would prefer to keep it active. Yes, I think that is it; that I am an ordained minister, I have that in my possession at present and so I would rather hang on to it; even though it seems to be of no use to me or anyone else. If you have any ideas or suggestions for me, I am all ears. If there is something I can do to be of service to AT I will do it if I can. I just don’t see how I could fit in at this time.

When I started this letter, I didn’t think I had anything to say to you, but then all this just came busting out. Thanks for listening.

Regards,

Hank