I recently did the True Meditation class as part of the Ministerial Preparation Program. As I began the class, I would have described myself as someone with a lot of experience of meditation. To be honest, I had the sense that I did not have much to learn in this area! How wrong I was!

Day 1

Adyashanti says the purpose of meditation is not to stop or try to control the thoughts but rather to allow all things to be exactly as they are, thoughts and all. This is so different from the meditation I was trained in. Sounds more like daydreaming to me!

But the instructions are to have no expectations, to be gentle with myself and cultivate self-discipline, to be patient, commit to a regular practice, be open, quiet and receptive and to bring meditative awareness into my everyday activities.

I am willing to let go of my previous ideas and see what happens.

Day 2

I was introduced to meditation practice in the late 90s at a Tibetan Buddhist temple near my home. I attended meditation retreats and classes and had a daily practice for many years. My definition of a successful meditation (or myself as a successful meditator) was if I could sit for long periods of time, on the floor, cross-legged with a perfectly erect spine and maintain concentration and focus for long periods. My aim was to stop my mind, to stop thought. I thought (ha!) that if thoughts arose in my mind I was doing it wrong!

I often arose from my practice with a much more agitated mind than when I began and I felt like a failure a lot of the time (had to move because foot is asleep, mind is too active, even in the moments of noticing the gap between thoughts, the mind would exclaim “I’m doing it, I’m doing it” which of course put an end to “doing it!”).

After many years of this, I stopped meditating altogether, deciding that it was too difficult and actually counter-productive.

When I began to meditate again, for a while I adopted a technique I had read in a book where I visualized myself sitting in a cave on the side of a mountain and in front of me there poured a waterfall. The waterfall represents my thoughts and I watch them as they pass. In this way, I am the witness of the contents of my mind and success or failure has nothing to do with what arises.

In recent times, I have been (sporadically!) practicing awareness watching awareness and more frequently Bentinho Massaro’s 2-5 second glimpses.

As I began my meditation today I noticed such resistance to the instructions to allow all things to be as they are.

In the beginning I noticed the thought arising that I need to do something, follow my breath, watch awareness, be still. I was conscious of the mind grasping for something to do. I became very aware of my tendency to try to control and manipulate my experience, to put myself into a meditative state of mind. As I continued to sit and notice thoughts arising without either following or suppressing, I felt myself deepen into stillness. I had a sense of my breath moving through the space of awareness as my body relaxed more and more. Thoughts appeared about things I have to do later today and I just noticed. I became more aware of the background stillness, a depth of quietness and peace.

Day 3

I noticed the mind kept trying to exert control, for example when a song I had been listening to earlier started playing in my head. When I allowed it just to be there, I had recurrent thoughts of “this is not meditation”. Because of my  previous training, my mind still has the residue of what a good meditator/meditation is!

As I continued to allow the thoughts to come and go, I had the wonderful discovery that when I allow all things to be exactly as they are, I come to rest in my natural state of peace, which is what I tried so hard, for so many years, to attain!

Day 4

I began the meditation by following my breath. As Adyashanti recommended I let go of that technique quickly. I am aware that my mind keeps wanting a job. It felt actually that using the inquiry question “What am I?” kept the mind satisfied, even as it tried to provide answers. By silently repeating that question, I was able to drop into a deeper place of stillness, where no answers were needed. It felt like what I am is the space in which everything rises and falls.

Day 5

At first, the mind tells me that this is not meditation. It wants to manipulate, deepen my breath, manufacture some sense of calm. I realise that I want to achieve an altered state of consciousness. I let go of that idea. The mind chatter ramps up, my son not coming for coffee, too busy to spend 30 minutes with his Mum, I watch the thought arise, gain momentum as I pay attention to it, I see the mind’s tendency to want to jump on the back of the thought, to add to it, to make my son wrong and me wronged. I want to return to awareness of my breath, recognise the meditator trying to step in. I am in my garden, I listen to the birdsong for a while, thoughts come and go, I notice a deepening sense of calmness. The thoughts arise and fall. I become curious about the space between the thoughts, the space between the birdsong, outer silence, inner silence. I want to cry, a sense arises that this peace has always been here, all the time. I have been too busy, too controlling, too manipulative to notice. The thought of letting go of control arises and I feel fear. I watch the fear – what is this for? What am I scared of? The questions arise and fall, no answers. I smile, noticing I want an answer. I let go of that wanting, go back to the silence, rest there until the bell sounds.

Day 6

I spent years thinking about spirituality, reading books about spirituality, attending courses and retreats. I am realizing that what I was doing was accumulating knowledge about spirituality and spiritual practices. I am realising that I have developed a very sophisticated spiritual ego. And although 30+ years of spiritual seeking was undone by one instant of realising I am being breathed, being moved, that I am not Susan, that I have access to Infinite Intelligence, the impulse to intellectualize, to understand, to be good at this, to learn rather than experience is  rearing its head again and again.

At the beginning of my practice today, I followed my breath for a few minutes, just to settle. Then I thought about what the restful state of vividness is that Adyashanti mentioned. I thought that this instruction is somewhat contradictory to allowing everything to be as it is. My mind wanted to create this restful vividness. I let go of that and just noticed thoughts arising and falling, without getting involved. I felt a surge of pure joy at one point. My thoughts seemed to have a dreamlike quality. They were just doing their thing and I was not even drawn to do anything with them. They were there and I was there and the sense of joy and peace increased and increased. I felt a real sense of spaciousness and steadiness.

Day 7

The instructions today are to forget everything I know about meditation so I reclined in my garden on a sunlounger and allowed everything to be as it is. It felt like daydreaming. I noticed judgement -this is not meditation. I decided just to let that thought be there – I feel like I am befriending myself in a way I have not done before. I have been such a harsh taskmaster!

Day 8  

Adyashanti talks of “effortless effort” as being just enough effort to be vivid, present, here, now, bright.

What I have been noticing is that my meditations have been taking on a daydreamy quality, which is not vivid or bright. Today I am going to make enough effort to be bright and alert and see what happens. I resonate with letting the dog off the leash – I feel I need to let that puppy run around a little because my tendency is to try to control. As in meditation, so in life!  Everything is whispering to me, let go, let go, let go.

I sat outside in the garden on my sunlounger and immediately felt calm. It was as if I noticed calmness was just waiting for me. It really is my natural state! However, I soon noticed myself deepening into that daydreamy state and in the noticing became more alert. I spent most of the meditation with the image of a cat sitting alert at a mouse hole. It was an extraordinary experience, because for quite a while, 10+ minutes perhaps, I had not a single thought. Just this sense of alertness, restful vividness! Ha, I asked what that was and today I know and I didn’t try to create it!

Day 9

My mind was very busy at the start of my meditation. I was thinking about everything that needs to be done today. I am annoyed with my husband who has not done something he promised to do which means I have to do it, on top of other obligations I have today. This was very much playing on my mind and without the technique of coming back to the breath, I just noticed what was happening. What happened was intense rage! I noticed how I wanted to attach a story, I wanted to blame, I wanted to make myself right. I watched all of this happening like a violent storm. Underneath the rage is deep, deep sadness. “I do not know if I still want to be married” popped into my mind. I watched this thought with fascination and noticed that just as I am practicing letting go of control in meditation and allowing all things to be exactly as they are, an opportunity is arising for me to practise this in my marriage and at work. As the realization dawned that there is nothing to do, to figure out, to change, a sense of peace came that made me cry. I am so aware of how much I have repressed, how hard I have tried. Wave after wave of love came and I rested in the stillness of my own being until the bell sounded.

Now, in the aftermath I feel very tender and broken open. I am so, so aware of my desire to want to “fix” how I feel, to speak to my husband, to argue with a situation occurring at work. However for today, I am going to practice letting all things be as they are and abide in the awareness of this love and peace at the heart of it all.

Day 10

I had a lovely peaceful meditation today. I just dropped into stillness and felt as though all my senses were heightened. I meditated with eyes open in the garden and felt such a sense of connection to everything. I had a real sense of presence, of birdsong, of machinery in the nearby sawmill, the feel of warmth from my puppy’s belly when she jumped on to my knee, the smell of coffee. I truly allowed all things to be exactly as they are and it was blissful!

To Be Continued …

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