A couple of weeks ago I began to feel a stirring of some sort within. Something within my psyche was triggered that generated a sort of obstinate feeling. I felt as though I had to rebel against something. That something turned out to be my spiritual path. It all began as I was once again feeling guilty about some innocuous behavior of mine that I long ago judged as bad or negative. "I've had enough of this", I thought. I was either going to embrace my behavior and dump the spiritual path thing, or figure out a way to stop judging my behavior. Something had to give. What I did was stop any reading, listening to, or contemplating anything spiritual and fully participated in my "sinful" behavior. After that week of "letting go" I felt different. It was not something I stopped and looked at, it was just a different experience that I thought was occurring because of my rebelling against anything spiritual. What I did not realize during this unsettling experience was that after "living in sin" for a week I began to see there was nothing there except a false belief and I had ceased my judgment of my behavior and there was now a void where guilt had once occupied. My ego, sensing the change was frantically trying to bring it back. Here is my journal entry of this morning. "Something has changed within me. I think it is this letting go of guilt for some of my behavior, but at the same time my ego is rebelling. This rebelling is causing some confusion, but now that I am looking at it I see what it is. This is a habit energy's dying pulsations and my ego is grasping at them trying to bring the habit back, but to no avail. Letting go guilt created a vacuum and my ego wanted to fill it back up with the same habit energy. Not going to happen."

I wrote this journal entry as I was listening to Regina's Bernadette Roberts #18 recording this morning. In this recording Regina talked about how we may see our loving relationships change after our awakening, and how we may respond to the change. It was from this recording it dawned upon me that this is precisely what I had experienced, a different way of looking at a relationship with my behavior. I had let go my judgement and guilt about my behavior and there was now a void where the habit energy of guilt had once occupied.

I also believe the turning point came during my week of obstinacy when I decided "I am who I am", and it is about time I quit wanting to be something else. This included seeking to awaken. I began to see that my seeking was tantamount to me not liking who I am. "What else could I be", I thought, "other than myself?" Why was it I wanted to be something different? The more I thought about this the more I realized I had no idea of what I wanted to become and awakening was some nebulous thought that had no concreteness, and that to awaken I had to behave in a certain way. I realized that because I had no idea where I was trying to get to, I was making up the ways to get there. I now know I was using guilt as my guide!

This absence of guilt and the void it creates is something we will all experience in our gradual awakening to truth. Just let it be known that as any habit energy begins to dissipate, our egos will try to recharge them, and you will feel uncomfortable for a while. Be not afraid for God is with you.