I have experienced a tumultuous few weeks being on a roller coaster of emotions and found myself becoming very skeptical of this whole idea of this world being a dream and that we are something other than what we appear to be. And as usual it was a good thing. I needed to reboot and start over as I have come to realize my spiritual foundation was faulty. I have been so focused on the end game, the final result, the big awakening, that I have been rushing down the path trying to get to the end and I became delusional. I hungered so much for an imagined result, I blinded myself to the fact the imagined result could not be found.
I was going over a lesson at the Trinfinity Academy site where Bentinho was saying that once we came to know that we are a Presence at all times apart from our seeming selves, then it becomes very obvious to us that we are eternal beings. I thought, how did he make that jump from the physical temporary body to the eternal being, for I certainly don’t see it? What I see is someone that has become aware of behavior patterns that brings anger and pain, has let them go, and is certainly leading a more peaceful life, but I am still a human being that has a finite existence here and do not have any feeling of being an infinite being. I thought, what did I miss here?
It took me a couple of journaling pages to finally arrive at a place where I found peace, and here is where I ended up:
My skepticism lead me to write down all the things I do know, the things I know are true and not future truths I am supposed to come to know. That left me with the question, “am I something other than what I appear to be, and if I am, how can I come to know this?” I thought about this question and I do sense a Presence within me and this is what I have to focus in on. I have to zero in on this Presence and see if it brings me to know if there is in fact a Being behind a veil that I have been told exists. This Presence feels so right it is hard to explain. It feels so right because it is not something I have convinced myself is true for I feel a Presence within and looking back on my life I have known of it all along. I sense that the more I stay with the Presence the less I will identify with this body. But it still leaves me with this body. Will it lead to seeing something I don’t see right now?
This is what I should have been doing all along, coming to know a truth, not accepting what someone else said is true, accepting it and convincing myself that by believing it I will arrive at the door of enlightenment. I realize now that my general feeling of discomfort was the signal telling me I had to take another look at things with my aspirations of awakening to the truth still in hand. I became skeptical and found the reason for my skepticism.
