Reflections from the Retreat House
From the retreat about “Releasing the ‘I Am Bad’ Belief”
The very first day of our retreat we went around the room sharing whatever we felt comfortable to share about how the ‘I am bad belief’ affected us. I was shocked to hear how we all felt fundamentally flawed. I could see the discomfort on everyone’s face as they shared, and how convinced we all are that somehow we are guilty for the many situations we find ourselves in. Some of the stories about health issues matched my experience almost verbatim. It was very helpful for me to see that I was not alone in my belief in guilt about my health. Other stories were different than mine but they all had the same underlying ‘I am bad belief’. There are no words to describe how eye opening this group sharing was for me. I had to be there and see for myself; no audios could have replaced the clarity that came up for me at that moment. It helped me realize at a much deeper level how we all have been carrying for years the same burden, ‘I am scum of the earth’ or some other damaging attribute. On that very first day, I received more Aha moments than I had hoped to receive throughout the entire retreat. I felt this was a turning point in my life, and this was only day one.
The Two Evaluations:
Ego Evaluation:Another deep eye opener was when Regina asked us to interview the ego as the observer and ask ‘what it thought about each one of us’. I had never heard of that exercise before so I was a little skeptical that anything helpful could come out of it for me. Boy was I wrong! When I asked the question as the observer ‘what do you think about Francine, there was no hesitation…the ego blasted ‘Francine is boring.’ It became crystal clear to me that this perception had been running below the surface and affecting my life in many ways. When I shared the ego’s perception of me with the group, Regina’s and Jacquelyn’s expressions was worth a thousand words… They totally did not view me as boring. I replied, ‘how can you not see that I’m the most boring person on the planet? The others in the group also did not share my perception of myself but since I have known Jacquelyn and Regina for a few years, there response to how I perceived myself was VERY impactful. Although I had been aware of this perception in my head, it felt like a new discovery. Again, this was huge for me. How could I have been so wrong about my perception of myself! I was beginning to gain more clarity on how believing ego thoughts is a complete lie and extremely damaging.
Holy Spirit’s Evaluation:Then we contemplated Holy Spirit’s assessment of me: “You shine radiant with bliss, with peace, with sweetness and purity” by Yoga Vasistha. What a contrast between the ego’s and the Holy Spirit’s perception! How loving, how beautiful, how freeing it would be to know in my heart that Holy Spirit’s perception of me is the truth! I could feel the truth of it but I have a lot of work to do to cement it. This is a big one for me to work on, but it is also very exciting. So much resistance has falling away – at least for now.
Root Cause Inquiry:We had another exercise of journaling about our most disruptive ‘I am bad belief’. The root cause revealed that ‘I am scum of the earth’, which is the root cause of many of my beliefs so that was not new. As I had experienced many times before, I felt stuck, and helpless to let it go so I asked Regina what to do. She told me to pray about it– Holy Spirit, how can I let go of this belief that I am ‘scum of the earth’? I’m willing to hear anything that you’ll share with me.’ It sounds so simple. Why didn’t I think of this myself? The ego hides our most helpful tools from us. I had a very healing contemplation of the ‘I am bad’ belief, and I feel more equipped to use prayer as a means to release my beliefs when I feel stuck.
Is Attack Possible?We talked about ‘Is attack possible’? The answer is No, attack is not possible. It’s all about what I am believing – never about truth. So when I am upset for any reason, ask ‘what am I believing about myself’? What I am believing is never the truth about myself so why be afraid to go there?Regina said to trust I am healing, trust the Holy Spirit is right and I am wrong about my feelings. Trust that I have never been bad. A belief says “I am right’, it’s a fact; trust it is wrong. At some point you’ll see you made this up. Trusting you’re wrong will carry you through it even if it’s not 100% trust. Jacquelyn had a wonderful, very clear homily on this topic at the 8-18-19 gathering: “Believing is Seeing”. This trust and clarity I had during the retreat made root cause inquiry enjoyable because I knew I was letting go of being trapped.
There are countless gems we received during the retreat. I went home feeling so light, like a big weight had been lifted. That feeling of being light weight has dimmed but one thing is for sure, I remember the sharing, and the ‘Aha moments, and I continue to feel optimistic that I can let go of the ‘I am bad belief’. We were reminded of so many tools: Rest, Accept and Trust and self-coaching when the mind goes crazy, and journaling when the ego hides our beliefs. Regina shared examples from her journal, as well as handouts about many teachings she received from Spirit.
If it weren’t for the shared retreat with my Awakening-Together friends, I would not have received the experience and clarity about how flawed my thinking is. It was absolutely necessary for me to attend this retreat, and I am so grateful I did. Now I really have something to work with. The tools are more obvious and there is less resistance. Yippee!
I’m also grateful for our great cook, Shiryl Kaplan who is always so welcoming. She has a genuine interest in each one of us and goes out of her way to be helpful.
Thank you Regina and everyone for making this retreat such a success for me.
Love to All,
Francine
