This writing is dedicated to my Grandma Verna Mae Kaiulani Ho Nahulu (pictured below) who recently passed away April 19, 2022.
Death can bring a flood of emotions, happy memories, confusion and devastation. It can stop us in our tracks and remind us of what is important in life. It can show us a new perspective of time and how few years we may have left here and with each other. The end of life as we know it, the beginning of something new or a continuation of being, however we see it is the ultimate mystery.
I am happy my family got to be with Verna in her last days and moments. I watched over her and tried to capture her face in my memory, knowing I wouldn’t see her again. It is difficult for the mind to grasp that a person is there one moment and gone the next. I think of my brothers, my Dad and my Mom and I wonder how many years I have left with them. I see the sadness in my Dad’s face. Every moment feels more fleeting.
I have recently had many struggles with family and finances; unsure of how to take care of my Mom whose health has declined rapidly over the last couple of years. My brother and I are slowly rearranging our lives to assist her. A huge financial bill came out of nowhere at the same time. I had spiraled into hopelessness and was desperate for solutions. I was unable to use my spiritual resources for coming back to peace of mind. I couldn’t sit still long enough for meditation or reading or relaxing. I know many people have had increasing challenges over the last few years and can relate.
It was then in April that my Dad notified me that Grandma had fallen again and that this time it was probably the end. We spent her last days with her at Julia Temple (where she was treated in hospice.) Several days after she passed, I returned to work, full of new thoughts and feelings. I thought about what was really important day to day; which was ultimately being grateful for each day I had with my family and friends. Suddenly, sorting out how to take care of Mom wasn’t as much of a burden and all the financial hardships weren’t as devastating. It would all be fine. A small change of perspective could transform unneeded stress into gratitude, after all, things will get done either way and stress only makes things more difficult. I do get to spend more time with my Mom and my brother and I am grateful that I still have everything I want and need when I find myself with more financial responsibilities.
I look through pictures of Grandma from when she was very young until her last years and she always had a smile on her face. She lived her life to the fullest. She created art, she loved nature and she had an eccentric energy about her that people couldn’t resist. I see her spirit in my Dad and my brothers and myself.
I would like to spend less time worried about money, or how I am going to survive or if my family will be okay. Overwhelming stress can overload the mind where we are unable to grasp for the spiritual tools we know have been helpful before. In these moments, sometimes it may be helpful just to stop and trust in the moment. My Grandma had lived a long and full life and she had many of her own struggles to endure. She made it through each one of them to leave this world happy and loved. All of her good moments were fleeting and all of her bad moments were fleeting too. Life comes and goes quickly. We can easily forget about the important things in life. Each of us has a timeless joy in us when we are truly present and trusting. In this moment, we are part of the mystery of life, in our fleeting experience.
